Everybody Thinks I am a Conservative

Everybody thinks I am a conservative. I don’t know why, I have always voted Democrat. My dad voted Democrat, and his dad did the same. I am a liberal and always have been, so it seems strange to me that anyone would think I am a conservative.
For instance, the other day I was talking to this lady who had on these large glasses and her hair was in this pageboy cut. She was saying how anyone who wanted to place any restrictions on abortion was perpetuating the male-privileged societal hegemony, or something like that, and I said well, as a liberal, aren’t you concerned about protecting the weakest members of society? I mean, I think it is pretty obvious that at some point in the pregnancy a fetus becomes a human being and is therefore a member of society, so surely there should be some sort of due process in place before this person could be aborted. Well, this lady started yelling at me and calling me a f***ing a**-wipe evangelical who hates women and I should keep my g**damn conservative opinions to myself and my hands off her body. Honest to the Deity of your choice, my hands were in my pockets.
Look, I consider myself a spiritual person, but I haven’t been to a church service since I attended my gay friend’s wedding, so I really don’t know why this woman thought I was an evangelical. Are they the ones that believe in angels?
So I told this gay friend I love the idea that you were able to have this religious ceremony to celebrate your life together with your partner. And then he said yeah, and now it finally means something because we can have it recognized by the state. Really, I said, that sounds like you are looking for validation from the state, I should think you wouldn’t need that. He looked at me kind of funny, like I was a rabid dog or skunk, and said so you don’t think my constitutional rights are important to protect. And I said but marriage is a civil institution, not a constitutional one, and this gay friend of mind told me I was a f***ing moron who hated gay people. I mean, what was he talking about? I attended his wedding and watched him kiss his bride or bridegroom or whatever, even though that is not my cup of tea. And when I told him that, he got even more red-faced and shouted in my face that he didn’t need any redneck idiot f***ing conservative to tolerate him. But I said, isn’t that what gays have wanted all along, tolerance? And then he flipped me the finger and walked away, saying something I couldn’t quite catch, but I do think I heard the word “Nazi”.
Which brings up another thing. I was talking to this guy who was wearing a beret type thing on his head, and he had a trimmed mustache and looked like he might be an old member of Simon and Garfunkel (except they only had two of them, right?). Anyway, we were talking about the Nazis and he said something about right-wing, and I said wait a minute, Nazi means National Socialist or something like that, so the Nazi’s must have been left-wing, right? And he got totally in my face and called me a f***ing retarded Trump-loving Fascist. So that confused me and I said well the Fascists were admired by the early progressives in our country and vice-versa, so are you saying that Trump is a progressive? Wow, he just went off his top and hit me in the nose and told me I was an extremist m*****f***ing a**hole.
I seem to get in trouble just asking questions, but you see I want to understand everyone and everything, because I am a liberal the only way to understand is to ask questions. Like when I asked this black dude a something that had been bothering me for a long time. So I said I know we are not supposed to say “colored people” because that is offensive, but why okay to say “people of color”. I mean, I just don’t understand that. What are you, he said, a racist neo-Nazi bigot Republican? I said no, I have voted Democrat all my life, and my Dad voted Democrat, and … but that is as far as I got before he walked off in a huff. And I really don’t understand why he said what he did, I don’t like stale-tasting unleavened bread. And I don’t know what “it” is and why it should be put where he told me to put it. I mean, I am not in the habit of sticking stuff up there. (But please, that doesn’t mean I am anti-gay!)
Oh, and then that day after the Pakistani guy opened up and started shooting everyone in sight, and then the Syrian refugee drove a car into a crowd, and then the guy named Muhammed pulled a knife and hacked a few people, and the other guy named Muhammad …, well, anyway, I told a friend of mine it has really got to be tough getting some of these fundamentalist Muslims to give up violence as an acceptable instrument of persuasion. And he said why do you think it has anything to do with Islam, and I said well, they were shouting “Allahu Akbar”. And this friend of mine just went off on me and asked me what I thought of the Crusades goddamn s***head and all these right-wing Christian anti-abortion terrorists. And then I said but my point is, if you think about it, if you want to do violence in the name of Christianity you have to explain away a few things that Jesus said, like love your neighbor and all that – not that I am a Christian or anything, I haven’t been to church since my gay ex-friend was married, but I have read the Christian bible because it is a foundational text of our country and a liberal needs to be familiar with it, don’t you think – but it just seems to me that you really have to justify yourself if you are a Christian and you want to do, like, violence on people. But with Islam, you know, it’s kind of the opposite. Like there are all these scriptures that say kill the infidel and strike them in the neck or whatever, and you kind of have to explain away those scriptures to get Islam to NOT preach violence. I was really just trying to make the point that it is a tough battle for all the Muslims out there who want their religion to be liberal-minded and part of the Western culture of freedom, and I really thought that was a pretty obvious thing to say, but this friend of mine put me in a headlock and started beating my face and calling me a racist anti-Muslim Trump-supporting Fascist redneck Nazi. But I said (kind of muffled because I was talking into his elbow) I am not anti-muslim, I believe in the freedom of religion because I’m a liberal, but what does being anti-Muslim have to do with racism? And you know what, that just made him hit me harder.
So enough of this. I am tired of being mistaken for a conservative. I am a liberal through and through. I believe in the western tradition that is the birthplace of freedom. Freedom from tyranny, no matter what color it comes in, freedom to interact in the marketplace and freedom of association and conscience. To keep anyone from being confused about that, from now on I will tell people only this, that I believe in the Constitution of the United States and the Bill of Rights. I believe wholeheartedly in freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and the freedom to bear arms. I will tell them I believe in these freedoms unrestricted and unfettered. And if that doesn’t convince them I am a liberal, I don’t know what will.